Yes I know it is diesel, but gas prices are not too far behind surely…

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

“We are told every day that the reason for the $100 price of crude oil is because of the increased standard of living in India and China, increasing the demand on the petroleum market inventories. At the same time, a lot of companies are sending their business to India and buying their products from China, all because their services and products are much cheaper and make it more profitable.
If the people in India, who we are told have a salary of $1 a day, are going to buy a gallon of gasoline it should cost them pretty much the same as in the U.S., right?”

I have often wondered this same question myself. If oil is becoming prohibitively expensive for us affluent americans how come countries like China and India are experiencing so much growth in oil consumption?

Well now he is back. And I am very happy with this appointment, after not approving of the past few managers…

Go on King Kev, NFC is in for some good times.

Phew, we can all breathe easier in the valley. Literally.

Luckily the committee saw through the thin disguise, and voted 3-2 to oppose the nomination.

Judy was nominated by the Governor to fill the Valley Air Districts’ spot around the CARB table. Yes, she sits on the same Valley Air board that voted to delay cleaning some of the nations most polluted air by 11 years, and that decided to decline the help of medical and environmental experts to asses the impact of the problem we face here in the valley.

It is an open secret that Judy wishes to run for state senate, and her being on CARB would have given her some much needed state credentials.

Who supported her nomination?

Well, the governor proposed her, so we will count him. Then there is the master of deception himself Seyed Sadredin, APCO for the SJ Valley Air District. Then there is the trucking industry, which contributes to her political coffer, and fellow members of the Valley Air Board. Hmmmmm, the good ole boys then.

How come so many health and environmental groups opposed her nomination?

Because it seems she does not know the first thing about the effects of air pollution in our valley. She also apparently does not fully recognize that she sits on a board of a “public health agency”, despite this being a phrase directly quoted from their mission statement.

When asked a direct question by the senate committee about how many kids within the district she represents have asthma, she had no clue. She guessed. And she guessed wrong. She said 16% when the actual number is 30%, and she could not translate this to an actual figure. When a person who has to vote on health issues is not aware of the actual impacts of the decisions they are making, it is VERY worrying.

She also has an interesting voting record. For example, she voted to ban in home fires, but voted to allow crop burning by agriculture.

Isn’t she a nurse though?
She defends herself by proclaiming herself to be a nurse. However, by her own admission she last practiced as a nurse 18 years ago. 18 years ago. Yeh, she hasn’t lost a bit of her knowledge since then. Judy, you are now just a politically ambitious hospital administrator now. Get over it.

So how did she lie?
Well, besides the usual dancing around the truth that these political types do, she pulled this one out of her hat:

“I do not actively oppose SB719″.(sic)

SB 719 was the piece of legislature that added some city,health and environmental representation to the Valley Air Board. Despite this being a Senate Bill, the Valley Air Board voted to oppose this. I was mad at the time, as I considered this debate and vote a complete waste of time. Their vote has no impact on the issue at stake. At the county supervisors meeting, the county also voted to oppose this senate bill. So who proposed this motion? You bet, Judy Case. If this is not “actively” opposing this bill, then I do not have a clue what is. After she was called on this, she asked for a clarification on what the term “Actively Opposing” means. It reminded me of a certain Bill Clinton request for clarification.

At a local meeting here in Merced a few months ago, I challenged her that this sort of behavior was just a PR exercise that she and the board were trying to pull. She got extremely defensive and vigorously defended herself and the board. Again, I would consider this reasonably active. Her public record does not match the facade she presented yesterday.

The only thing I wish the Valley Air Board to do is to go back, stop playing PR games, and start making our air clean. Judy Case is not right for CARB, and I think this will be reflected in today’s full senate vote.

Somehow I missed this event. It goes to show that there are some great looking people (and cute kids) in our county! Of course, my vote for Miss Merced County went to my lovely wife!

But the worse is over I am sure! I looked at the retail list of my local development, and you can pick up a BRAND NEW 3 Bed and 2 Bath for $200,000!!!!

Wow, wish I was buying a house now!